Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
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Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
SCARY COSTUME
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.