The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
You Might Also Like
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Thrilling chase underway
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…