people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.