my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
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– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Ironic
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.