why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
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my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex