I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
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*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….