I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
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I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
do horses think humans are hats
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
mathematically impossible
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark