Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Name another movie that mislead you?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’m already scared