2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
oh you like architecture? name three walls
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Note to self: I am a note
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none