No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
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[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*