Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
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I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My teenage children choosing violence
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it