I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time