@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
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You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
That’s classic.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Love this guy
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”