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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”