Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?