the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
You Might Also Like
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Plant care tips
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Cake!!
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
happy mother’s day❤️
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it