I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling