*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
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Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.