[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
You Might Also Like
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!