inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
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[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
✌️
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.