My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.