Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
You Might Also Like
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after