Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
new record!
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!