My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.