What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.