<—- homeless romantic
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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist