To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing