SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
You Might Also Like
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.