[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
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Donkey Kong sommelier
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Cake!!
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running