Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No