Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
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Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
How to properly lift a body
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.