remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
iPhone X
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.