[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
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My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?