I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes