I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
An odd boast
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!