*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
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“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
repaired
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.