Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
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Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Best seat on the street 😍
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint