Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Its true…
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.