My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
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“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Well, this is awkward
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
had to share :’)
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.