ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.