Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Just me?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.