it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.