9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
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[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude