me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all