I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
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[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
They must have gotten it to go.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]