Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”