this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
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First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*