If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
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I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle