Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
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Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.