If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
“I wouldn’t.”
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD